And Here We Go Again...

So.. decent news. Daddy gets sentenced July 8, and he will get 41-51 months. 41-51 months too long, but it still could be a lot worse than the original 115 year maximum sentence. I thank God for that, because without him I don't see it happening. I am also thankful Daddy has come around to the whole religion idea, and it may be an answered prayer. It's almost 8 am on Saturday morning. I have been up since 5 with a God awful stomach ache. I have been doing plenty of computer research and I have to change my diet. I quit drinking like a little fish and that helped a lot, but it still isn't enough. Apples and bananas help so I'll be buying some. Already had apples. Ate one as my green tea and honey was brewing... aka heating up in the microwave. LOL

Heard the cops are still watching me. Of course they are. I have known this but put it so far in the back of my mind that I almost can't believe it. But I do. I haven't been selling anything but still it's the principal of the mattter and I don't like it one bit. I haven't sold anything since they took my pound off the table. I'm broke as hell and behind on bills so they have no reason to come up in here. It isn't like I'm going out all the time doing whatever I want like I used to.

Ugh.

Going to try to go back to bed. Sharing a full size with Josh. Let me tell you. It's fun.

And I need to learn to save more.

It's been a while dear journal. I've abandoned you several times, but still you are always here ready for me to vent and update again. Thank you. Ha.. I type like you're a person and actually have feelings. I'm crazy. Honestly slowing realizing how very much so day by day. If it weren't for Josh I'd be in the looney bin by now. No lie... sometimes he causes the craziness, but he is my rock. I miss my old life.. my old friends.. my family, and especially my Daddy. Things haven't quite turned out the way I had imagined for my life, but I guess that's half the adventure... not knowing wtf is going to happen day by day. I'm over unemployment. Going cabin crazy. & really don't give a fuck about anything. Not even myself. My house is dirty.. I don't care. 

I do have things to be thankful for I guess. Some friends have really turned into family thank God. Some have lost contact, and that's fine. We live we learn we grow and sometimes we grow apart. I've fully accepted it. Kayla Tiffany Angela and Kim have really become who I turn to when everything comes crashing down, because it usually does. Stacey too... we just argue like family. She's about to have her baby. Exciting. I'm so glad she did like her gift. I'll update later with more.

Loving Josh.

Moving to the big house.

Loving my new car.

Hating all these new bill responsibilites and b.s. no 22 yr old should have to think about ex property taxes paying relatives life insurance keeping up with an "estate" especially with no job is enough to drive someone batty.

Peace.

Oh hell I wish I could get online and post how wonderful my life is going.... how great my nonexistent job is.... how great my relationship with josh is... how great I'm getting along with my mom.... and especially how I've just up and decided I don't miss my Daddy one tiny bit. Too bad that damn genie we used to joke about has never showed up. I don't know what her issue is but I've been patiently waiting on her to show up bottle pink smoke and all and change my whole life. Haha. Or on winning the lottery. I believe I'm wasting more money than I win, but that's just making the odds better that I'll hit it big eventually. LOL the story of my life.. keep waiting to hit it big and get semi normal.

Oh well.

well what to even say? where to even begin? the world and the Lord works in the most mysterious ways. I miss my Daddy. I miss my family being normal. They will never be able to be normal. It will have to be separated and going to the races will never be an option for my Daddy. The one joy in his life if he does get out will be ruined. Bubba Momma Jason Karen Me and Daddy will never be able to be in the same room again probally all at once except for his sentencing day. Which is April Fools Day. I'm so confused with life in general. I have a guy loves me so much and would give me the world, and especially his family but I just can't love him the way I'm supposed to. And Yeah I've been him for months. It isn't working I've tried and tried. I hate Kevin. Not. Matt Allen's back in town and he's just wanting some or I'd try to pursue him. Forget Michael Duke too he isn't worth my words. Alan hangs out with us alot, and has really turned around. I can't help but care for him, but even I don't know if he is enough. I went to the Dr today and they tried to send me to Peninsula because I'm apparently so crazy. And a pillhead according to my mom. Even though the Dr prescribed exactly what I said I needed. And I didn't even have to lie I just told her how my life's went this past half year and she really wanted to send me to the crazy bin. I refused to go, especially when she said it wasn't free. Otherwise I would of thought about it. A mini vacation. It isn't like I have to work or anything considering I got fired today. I've been good at every job I've ever did and I'm so mad that I just couldn't produce well enough to stay there. I feel like I let Zach down, but then again I didn't think he would fire me either. He didn't My Boss Amy did, but I'm super devastated considering my safe got stolen yesterday with a g in it and that's literally all I had. If it wasn't for Josh I'd be like starved to death with no electricity. And God too I suppose because somehow he always gives me enough strength to deal with another day. Sometimes literally a minute at a time. Dr recommended a counselor, like I really want someone knowing how dysfunctional my family really is? No way. Embarassing. Seriously considering moving. Don't know how with no money but surely I could figure something out. I'd go to GA, maybe I could live with TMO and get him away from that nigger needle junkie Tia in the ATL and be close to Daddy when he temporarily goes to prison in GA. Hopefully he will get in to Manchester KY and I'll move to Thorn Hill and be in between M'town and there. Or I could go to college and pursue my business management. Which I finally got an Associates. Yay. Ready to keep going and get a damn Doctorate or be something makin bank so I can take care of my Daddy. Or change to Public Health and be a health inspector which would suit me. Money isn't a good way of keeping score so I don't care how much they get paid as long as the bills get paid and I have gas in my tank. I've really never felt this way. I started my Paxil and I'm drinking a glass of wine... I must say I am feeling more relaxed. And I have Collotopians to take a night time. Or however you spell it. I have no problem sleeping so I'm going to take it in the middle of the day so I can be chilled out all day. I hope. I really hope I can quit feeling so sad depressed and anxious. I really feel like the world's crashing around me... or I'm on top of it. Potentially bi-polar. Pretty much what Doc said. Maybe a schizo. Even better. Kelsey's cuz was one and killed hiself... not loving that at all because I do not want to be crazy. For real. Who knows what will happen to me or where I'll wind up but I hope the ride slows down and gets put on cruise control. I used to have it. I'll find my control again. Watch me.

Current Music: People Are Crazy

LIfe is one strange twisted series of events right after the other. Something finally starts to feel normal then BOOOOOOOM life happens and we're in disarray again. It doesn't matter how good you try to be because life happens to the best of us. I guess some things are handed to us so we can prove how strong we really are. Or aren't in some situations. I believe I'm floating on the edge of insanity hanging by a fray of a thread just waiting to fall into the darkness of it all.

Growing up the mother I had was damn near perfect. I never imagined at the ripe old age of 22 she'd be cheating on my dad with my bro/cuz/bff/ something way too fucked up to even ponder. The man that is in so much trouble, and is crazy enough as it is. Making him seem insane for suspecting something. His intuition was right all along and he knew it. He really is insane now I believe.. or close.



Ok well that was apparently a saved draft from 2 wks ago, and now my life really has changed. I didn't realize how much I truly love my Daddy until the Feds showed up on Oct 7... a year  to the day. I had a bad feeling that night. I heard them in the woods. Josh said I was trippin, but I knew it. It didn't sit right with me at all. He's been there for 5 days. He's gone. Period. Can't call him to say whats up.. call him when I need something especially... he truly is my best friend and support system. I'm lucky to have that kind of relationship/partnership/friendship/everything!! Nothing will compare to him ever. He's the best man I have ever known, and all I can do is have faith that he will come out ok.


I miss my old life so much. Enough said.

I don't hang out with nearly anyone, and I'm content with that. A lot of people have stepped up and showed support in places that I didn't expect. Support didn't come from other places.. but that is how the world goes round.  All you can do is live one breath at a time because God knows you can't predict your life let alone plan it.

I have found my everything; one perk to my life. 3 mos ago I thought I was madly in love with Kevin when all he did was take and take and take. I love him still and think we had such potential, but that got all fucked up and it will never be. I don't know if I'm in love.. but I definetly have more love for Joshua Austin Moore than I prob ever have any male in my life with the exception of you know who. And KMM aren't his initials either. lol. Being with Josh is a whole entire kind of love.  We met at my birthday party at Michaels years ago and I wound up pushing him. He was a jerk in high school and I never liked him, but now he really is my everything. My day isn't complete without him in it. Our month is Friday which is also the day I get off supervised probation. I don't expect to fall in love over night but a big part of me really sees myself spending the rest of my life with him.

He's my jungle gym. He's my best friend besides Daddy. My boyfriend. My confidante. My everything.

He farts. So do I. We burp. We laugh. We're ourselves and for the most part I enjoy every minute of it.  His family doesn't hate me. Mine doesn't hate him. We're like this dysfunctional puzzle that for some reason in this crazy world fits together and I could really see him being in my life forever. When I'm old and tiny and he's older and huge.. we'll be rockin on the porch still smokin blunts and having our life together. Maybe I'm silly and he's just another boy.. but I'm not 17 anymore and I really think he may be the one it just didn't happen with the fireworks and instant attraction like in the movies. Who has that kind of life anyway? Not even Allie and Noah in the Notebook.

Besides for that we went for my Daddy's first visit yesterday. The jail was huge and it took me and Momma forever to walk to him. I was breathing hard but that may have something to do with my new cigaratte/Black habit. I should quit before it's too late. We were strong and didn't cry but Momma came closer and was ready to puke. She didn't know what to think about the cops being rude to the visitors. it's just part of it and she says she doesn't belong there. Who does?

Josh befriended some little niglets outside. Most of their daddies were drug dealers. It's such a sad situation and I guarantee none of them were dealing with just weed and none of them are Federal. Daddy's outfit is different. He wears tan scrubs and everyone else wears black and white jumpsuits. Supposedly they take better care of the Fed inmates. We'll see I suppose. Until everything plays out all I can do is be strong and hold it together for my family because God knows my mother isn't going to. She's the only mom I'll ever have but as much as we are the same we are totally different. I don't understand her or her motives in the least.

Until next time.. hope Daddy gets a good hand of cards in this crazy game called life and pray because that's all we can do. :s

Current Location: dukeys
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: NFL. Joy.

Here it is.. end of August and time's flying by quick.

I've managed to get off pills all on my own since nobody gave a fuck to support me. Minus Tiffany. My family would of, but I never wanted them to find out. I've basically got a whole new set of friends, and for that I'm grateful. Anna Brittney Grant Chellie and that crew showed me the perks to just drinking. I would say I have more money but I got a check stolen for $120. The more you give to people the more they take.. w/o your permission even. I can't decide whether I want to press charges on Brandon, because he would go to jail for 4 years. Kevin and I are on the up and up and I'd hate to do that to their family. But if you do the crime.. you better be prepared to do the time. Dont' fuck with my family when we're already on the verge of falling apart.

I hate pills. Hate hate hate them. Nothing good comes out of them. Jail, institutions, and death. I learned that from a NA meeting I attended with Jessa. God I've missed her so much. I don't have many childhood memories w/o her in them.She's doing sooooo  good and little Nemo is just precious. Her family needed him, and I'm glad he's here and healthy. She graduated rehab, got full custody, and her own place and van in Knoxville. I wish she was here. I miss my other best friend, and I wish she would of supported me more when I cried out for help on her birthday. I didn't want to do it, b/c I have a lot of pride and don't need help a lot of the time but I needed it and it wasn't received. I thought the title of "Aunt" was going to go farther than it did. I put in so much effort going to the Dr every time I could.. playing Daddy before he was ready to... then I didn't get to be in the room when he came into the world. I wanted to be there for multiple reasons. I was ok with that because I thought I'd at least get to throw my shower for my little lion that came out to be a crab since I have all the decorations me and Kev opened and set the kitchen up as Collegewood to practice. Can't take them back. Should of waited. I think of them every day and hope everything is going great for their family. God knows I love them.

Kevin and I have drastically changed in the past 3 days. He's became a totally different person that texts me just to tell me that he loves me.. even as far to say he does with all of his soul and more than he ever did Christina. He admitted to being scared and running away, and he also agreed to actually put a real effort into quitting pills. i might be stupid as hell, but I love him and my faith is almost unlimited when it comes to Kevin Michael Miller. I know you should listen to your brain over your heart, but at least I can say at one point I was happy with him. I had sex with 3 other people, once with Crum so he does not count and that hurt him. Alot. And we're working past all of the fucked up shit we've done to each other and trying to start anew.

School starts in a couple of days. Last class and I can not wait. Making an A. It's my personal goal.

Went to Bristol and had a hell of time with my family. Me Bubba Jason Karen and My parents got druuuuuuuunk. We rode the bull which is something I'll NEVER forget it was so fun. Daddy did the best of course. Shrek came up and I went to the race with him and my parents sat with Bubba in the non alcoholic section. Ha. That was an accident. We took Montana and Lucy and Montana was definetly a celebrity. We walked about 28,000 miles and my mom puked. Karen pissed her pants. P&P according to daddy. Pissy and Pukey. I love it. I drank liquor and got drunk as fuck. I held my own though.

I'm getting burnt out on Akita. I'm ready to get a real job. I thought about going to be a surgery tech but I'd have to go to Knoxville. i'd like to move with Kevin and get him the hell out of here and away from all these pill heads. I also learned at NA not go refer back to old play mates or play grounds. & we have too many of both here. Temptation is strong. Who knows what will happen in my life, but I hope to manage to find a way to be successful and healthy.

So I am a complete fuck up. To the tee entirely and without a doubt. I've been manipulated and emotionally destroyed and it's my own stupid fault. Kevin has left me high and dry with nota dollar to my name, and he doesn't give a fuck. If it wasn't for Quan I don't know what I would do. I want to get back into the drug dealing business to make easy money, but I can't ruin my life even more. The sad part is I love the bastard, and wish so much he would be off pills.The better you are to people the worse off you get. It sucks. I've lost myself I had pride in being independent and strong and he's taken all of that. I let a man if you can call him that take even my pride away.

I have had two fever blisters my hair is falling out and I have stress induced hives. It's all my fault. My dad is going to have to go sooner than later and that tears me up that I wasted almost 3 months hanging with somebody that sucked me dry when I could of been spending time with him. And Brennan for that matter. I've been a shitty person, and a worse friend. Pills are awful and really alcohol is too. It's ruining my life slowly but surely.

Today was the first day I felt mad instead of sad. I wish the sob would call me and give me some fucking money before I have to do something really stupid. You got to do what you got to do and nobody fucks with my family. My financial indepdence and now I have a 200 loan to my boss and a lot of bills to pay.



So that's a saved draft from one day last week. Here I am 2 weeks into the breakup feeling as awful as I was. Almost. I can't believe I fell so hard and so fast for a complete loser. A wigger bastard. I have never been so totally depressed, and I've definetly never did the things I've done lately. I may just be a hypocrite. At least I'll admit it.

I really hit rock bottom and could of killed myself a time or two. One literally. But I never thought I'd see that point. Being strong is over rated. On a positive note I did pass my drug test, so yay for me. On another positive note I've met a totally nice guy named Shannon. He races and has 2 kids and an ex wife but he is pretty awesome. I've only hung out with him twice, but maybe something good is actually falling into place for once. I'm wary and I don't trust anybody but me now, because in the end that's all you've got anyway. Except your family which have been awesome but would DIE if they knew what a hard time I was having. I don't know Kevin was just the straw that broke my back. I've been stressed and stressed and stressed some more, and that just did me in. I can't believe how naive I was, and how I didn't listen to anybody when everybody tried to tell me. I feel like such a moron. I swear if I could just crawl in a hole and die.. I probally would. I've thought several times I was depressed... well I didn't know depressed until as of the recent past.

I've been hanging out with Tiffany and Blake alot. Chellie too, and God she is so fun. So is her sister. Chelie understands me because she's been there and makes me feel a little less crazy. Porkchop's really stepped up to the plate too, and I'm glad. I could almost date him if only he was cute. That's mean I know but honest. I think he's going to be my date to Bristol, and he's going to Lydia and Chris's reception with me. Yay.

I need a new job. Or 2 jobs because I'm tired of being broke. Damn it. Money is really my addiction and therefore my happiness. I never would of started another addiction if they weren't free. They take a hold of your life too and unless you've been there.. you wouldn't understand. I wish I didn't understand and I've just skimmed the surface.

I pretty much hate the world and I suck at life.

-nener

Current Mood: crazy

So in about 20 minutes me and kev will officially be together for 2 months. I love the hateful ass, but at least he's my hateful ass. I may be sharing him, but I haven't found out yet. I have serious trust issues still... but maybe he's into me and just me. Who knows. i definetly share him with a pill addiction, but I must say it's slowly getting better. He has his days where I could freaking killllllllllll him, but then there are others that are okay. It's definetly not fireworks kind of love that I always imagined I'd have, but I'm strong enough to handle it.

Everyone says I could do better. I know. I want to even, but my heart won't let him go. Maybe he isn't supposed to be in my life, but I'm supposed to be in his. We aren't affectionate and we don't have sex.. that's slightly okay with me. I'm used to it. I'm watching him make soup right now and can't help but to smile at him, whether it gets returned or not. I know I'm getting used for everything that I provide, but I do like to be needed, and honestly I like to hold it over his head. I shouldn't. I wish so bad that he had a job etc etc, but I just aint going to give up on him yet. When it bites me in the ass I know I'll of fucked up. Maybe it won't happen. Life never goes as planned if I've learned anything at all.

Kendra's Pap's visitation wss today. I didn't really know him, but I went for support. He suffered for a while, and I know it sucks.. but at least his misery on Earth's over. There were a lot of people there. Joel rode with her. I'm super glad he's being as good as he is. He's acting the way a BabyDaddy's suppose to. I've prayed about it alot I'm glad that's one thing that seems to be coming true.

Her shower is Sunday. I'm kind of nervous just because I want everything to go good since I'm in charge. I want people to show up with good stuff for her, and for Courtney's mom to make the cake cheap. I had this 3 tier thing picked out but that was going to cost waaaaaaay too much cash flow so we had another idea instead. I'm broke as a joke so I hope she compromises with me a little bit.

My Dad and I had a crazy day. Thank God Kendra came to get me. He saw a dent in my car and pulled the he's going to kill me bullshit. I haven't been so upset in quite a while. Haven't cried that hard in a good minute.We went and ate today after the funeral home. Just me and him, and I really love the crazy motherfucker. The Feds will be to get him soon, couple of weeks according to Joyce bitch from Topix. Sad part is she's probally right. I will miss him sooooooooo much, and I need to spend more time with him.

I've officially decided growing up sucks. Alot. I wish I could go back to being 15 knowing then what I know now. I don't know what I'd change, but alot. I'd be friendlier and more helpful and I wouldn't of ever did a few of the illegal things. Some though. I wish I could just make a plan for my life and it actually come true. It seems to happen for some people, not me. Oh well.

Suck it up what doesn't break you.. makes you.

Current Mood: calm

So I had my birthday. Guess what Kevin got me? Nothing. A loan. I'm officially broke, and it may be crazy but I'm happy. I have a loser for a boyfriend, but he's my loser and I can't help but just want to be with him. I really love him journal, and I wish that I didn't. I may be groaning around in a little bit when I have no cable lights or a cell phone.. but today here I am. I've dealt with a lot, but I still just miss him when he isn't around and just ache for him. I see such a future with him. It's stupid. I'm stupid, and I make awful decisions.

Jackie came home, and by far got me my most favorite gift. COACH flip flops. I love and miss her so much, I'd rather have her here anyday than have some flip flops, but I was definetly stoked to get them.  They are black and gorgeous. She'll be here in a month for kendra's shower, and I'm so glad.

I got a dent in my car, unfortunately. And Me Kendra and Whitney got money stolen on my birthday. It takes some kind of person to rob a birthday girl and 2 pregos. I hate drugs and pills. Hate it. I see how easily people get sucked into it all, it takes over before they even realize it. Wish they were never invented, or at least so easily distributed. It's like the doctors are just trying to kill people off.

I'm convinced the world's coming to an end. I got booted out of the children's church, and I'm fairly devasted over it. Those kids were the only things that actually made me feel like i was making a difference. I had a purpose for once, and now some judgemental people just ripped it away from me. I'm a good influence on those kids, regardless of how much wrong I've done. Oh well.

Kendra's getting close to baby time. I'm freaked out. I called almost everyone on her baby shower list today, and I'm super stoked about the shower and actually the baby. I'm so glad that Joel is being better. One prayer on my list answered.

I'm nervous about my Daddy. I really hope things work out with that because I love that man so very much. I wish I had a genie.

Michael didn't text me for my birthday, I was honestly surprised but I'm glad I'm finally over him. Over it. 4 years wasted, but I learned a lot and he really did take care of me. I'm glad I have given myself the ability to take care of myself... and my boyfriend. Independent was my theme song... still is I suppose. Minus the 2 jobs. Akita's enough.

I'll quit rambling. Peace.

So.. Mikey called me, and I'm glad. It was good to hear from him, his voice is so soothing to me. Rob ended up calling me today too, and i had Taylor and Madi in the car with me. Mikey JP and Jordan are snitchin on him, and that sucks. I never thought that would happen, but that's how people are when they get into trouble. Evidentally it was part of their plea, but I didn't snitch so they shouldn't of either. They're evidentally in a lot more trouble than I am.. but still Rob was their friend. My friend. I hate it for him. Tuesday morning is Rob's sentencing. Me and Kevin will go I guess because I want to see everybody.
 

We've been together a little over a month, and I'm pretty happy with it. We're a constant up and down rollercoaster, and I forgot how difficult relationships are. Him and Brandon have been staying with me, temporarily... me and B fight like brother and sister, but for the most part it's going okay. Especially to go from barely knowing 2 people to them being your room-dawgs. Kev gets way too fucked up, but we're working on it. Progress is progress.

i love him. There you go.. I said it.